Having a baby is one of the most profound decisions a couple can make. As women, we often think about our own motives – our ticking biological clock, a desire to start a family, societal pressures. But what drives men’s thinking when it comes to having children? What factors make a man decide you are the woman he wants to have a baby with?
As a relationship counselor with over a decade’s experience, I’ve had many an anguished conversation on this topic. Believe me when I say a man’s motives here can be complex and multi-layered. Sometimes, men want to have kids for deeply personal reasons – past trauma, righting the wrongs of their own upbringing. Other times, it’s rooted in the health of the relationship and his commitment to you.
In this article, I’ll break down the key reasons a man decides he’s ready to be a father – and importantly, that he wants you by his side as he embarks on that adventure. Because when you understand what truly motivates him, you can feel confident that your relationship has what it takes to weather the ultimate test – raising kids together!
He Feels Financially Secure
Perhaps the most pragmatic factor for men is financial security. After all, kids are expensive! So when a man broaches having children, it often means:
- He feels established and successful in his career
- His income is healthy and predictable
- He has financial safety nets in place like savings, investments etc.
This applies even in relationships where the woman outearns the man or you plan to have dual-incomes. Men have an innate desire to be providers and ensure their families are financially stable.
So if your guy raises the topic of kids, take it as a sign that he feels capable of supporting and protecting a child. That’s deeply reassuring!
When finances are shaky, so is his willingness to have kids
The inverse is also true though. If a man feels financially unstable or overwhelmed, he’ll likely firmly hit the brakes on baby plans.
I’ve counseled couples where the guy gets cold feet for this reason. An unexpected job loss, volatile income, or overwhelming debts – all reasons men guiltily ask to delay pregnancy plans.
And it leaves women second-guessing everything – his commitment to “someday” having kids, whether he’ll ever feel financially ready, if the biological clock will run out first.
As one 32-year old client Jane told me in dismay – “We agreed we’d start trying when my husband turned 30. He enthusiastically brought up having kids all the time! But he just lost his job and now keeps saying we should hold off. It’s really worrying me – what if he never feels secure enough in his career?“
The takeaway? A man wants financial stability in place before he’ll fully embrace becoming a dad. If he pushes pause on baby plans due to money worries, address that issue compassionately rather than doubting his motives.
He Feels Emotionally Ready
Finances aren’t everything though. Becoming a father is massively life-changing – the pressures of pregnancy, sleepless early years, the lifelong commitment.
Your partner won’t agree to that leap unless he feels emotionally equipped. Signs he feels ready in that regard include:
- He frequently and positively talks about having kids
- He makes mental space to sincerely imagine fatherhood
- He has a nurturing, kid-friendly personality
I remember Emma, 41, who sought counseling because her long-term boyfriend Mark wouldn’t commit to a timeline for kids. “He keeps saying ‘someday’, but it’s so non-specific! He’s financially secure, we’ve been together for years, what’s the hold up?” she agonized.
Upon deeper talks, it emerged Mark had an absentee father and turbulent childhood. He was petrified of “not being ready” and failing as a dad himself. So I worked with him on addressing unresolved fears from his past, building self-belief, and developing nurturing skills like patience.
It still took two more years after that intensive counseling for Mark to proclaim “I feel ready now”! But it was worth the wait, with Emma declaring “It was like a switch flipped in him once he made peace with the fact he knew how to be a great dad.”
The takeaway? Men will likely only embrace fatherhood when they have worked through doubts and feel genuinely equipped on an emotional level. Don’t rush that inner work – he’ll get there!
He Wants To Have Kids With You
This one seems obvious yet is so easily forgotten. Of course your man needs to actively want kids. But he also has to feel like you’re the woman he wants to raise them with!
Sometimes women get impatient about baby timelines and overlook whether their partner feels this way. “We’ve been married for 2 years, we agreed on kids, so let’s just do this!” is a common (but ineffective) attitude.
Yet counseling has taught me men need to feel:
- Your relationship is rock-solid: You support each other unconditionally, argue fairly, trust each other’s capabilities etc.
- Parenthood won’t destabilize things: He envisions you’ll parent aligned, with shared values and approaches
- He has “locked you down”: All cards on the table – many men won’t fully commit to kids unless marriage or serious formal commitment exists!
Many times female clients have said in confusion – “He insists he wants kids someday but keeps stalling. We’re 35 and have been together for years. Why hasn’t he proposed if he’s serious?“
Fact is, men often secure the relationship for life first by deciding you’re the life partner they desire before agreeing to pregnancy. Take it as the ultimate sign of commitment and confidence in what you’ve built together!
He Sees You’ll Be a Great Mom
This one tugs at my heart! When a man volunteers baby plans, it often signals:
He has thoughtfully watched you with kids and believes you’ll rock motherhood.
I see it often with clients – the dad-to-be lovingly reflecting on times like:
- You cooed over a friend’s baby and your maternal glow was obvious
- He witnessed your gentle kindness to a crying toddler
- You spoke wistfully about wanting to create some of the parenting traditions you cherished growing up
- He knows you’re responsible, patient and unconditionally loving
Like my client Meera who always dreamed of having a baby girl. For years her boyfriend Aaron had demurred about getting serious. But one Thanksgiving, Meera instinctively picked up Aaron’s fussy baby niece and soothingly rocked her to sleep, while making his brother’s overwhelmed wife a cuppa.
Aaron later told me, “*Watching Meera in action with my niece – how naturally she knew what to do, her patience and caretaking personality – a switch flipped in me. I could suddenly envision her radiant as an amazing mom. That’s truly when I knew I wanted her raising *my child.”
When a man envisions you’ll shine as a mother, it makes him eager to have mini versions of you to nurture! Take his raising the baby topic as proof he believes in you.
His Biological Clock is Ticking!
Finally, in an age where women’s biological clocks get all the attention – let’s not forget men have them too!
Typically men don’t worry as much about declining fertility with age. But make no mistake – they do feel that urge to pass on their genes while young and virile!
Jokes about men chasing younger women to have kids aside – most men simply realize that to keep pace with an eager, youthful child, they desire to be under 45 too.
I’ve seen it with newly-turned-40 female customers panicking their partner is suddenly making baby demands after years of slow-walking things.
“We agreed we’d revisit kids when I was 35 and Kevin was 40,” Tanya told me in disbelief. “Now I’m trying to get promoted and all Kevin talks about is having a baby ASAP!“
But looking closer, Kevin simply felt his window narrowing, with longing to still be an energetic dad who could literally “run around after kids”. His rush came from wanting to be young enough to physically share activities like sports with them.
So Kevin’s body clock was ticking even louder than Tanya’s! Once she understood that, they successfully aligned mutual goals.
The key takeaway? When the man you love suggests making a baby, celebrate! It likely indicates reassuring things like:
- He feels financially prepared to provide for your future spawn
- He has worked through emotional blocks and feels ready to be an involved, caring dad
- He sees a rocksteady future with you specifically as the mother of his children
- He recognizes what an amazing, loving mama you’ll be
- He wants to still be youthful and energetic as their father
So have an open and compassionate talk to better understand his motives and timeline thinking. Once you’re aligned, you’ll feel secure to take that giant leap into parenthood together!
I’m Sarah Koch, and I work as a Relationship Coach in Austin, Texas. I’ve been doing this job for more than 9 years. I studied Sociology and Counseling Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. My main goal is to help people create strong and happy relationships. I also wrote a book called “Irresistible Texting” to share my ideas on how to have better relationships through texting.
