Long distance SUUUUUCKS, am I right? All those miles between you and your boo, forced to endure the torture of craving their touch…their smell…those little quirks that make you melt.
I get it. Been there, suffered that. Long distance is the WORST.
But you know what’s even worse? Falling into that dreaded long distance rut where the spark fizzles and your connection dulls to a sad, sexless whimper.
NO MA’AM, NOT ON MY WATCH!
As your favorite relationship fairy godmother, I’m here to wave my wand and sprinkle some long distance MAGIC into your lives. We’re talkin’ wildly creative gifts to shock your partner right outta that rut and rekindle all the tingles.
Keep those sparks FLY-ING, babycakes! Let’s dive in…
1. Pasta of Passion
In Lorrrrrd, this one’s a doozy! Way more creative than mere framed photos or flower deliveries.
For the Pasta of Passion, track down an online shop that lets you design your own custom PASTA SHAPES.
Am I telling you to get freaky with fusilli? You betcha.
Immortalize your mugs, bodies, bits, and baubles into literal PO*N PASTA. Hand-sculpted ode to your sex life, shipped right to their door in an innocuous brown box.
When they open that baby up and see fusilli-phalluses and ravioli-rumps galore, they’ll be blushing redder than marinara! Just imagine the delicious tension as they boil, drain, and…consume those carb-y creations.
Is this strange and slightly uncomfortable? Absolutely. Is it brilliant long distance relationship fuel? YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT.
2. Smelly, Scrumptious Surprises
Scent is one of the most evocative memory triggers out there. One little whiff and BAM – you’re swept back to a special moment, feeling, or person.
So tap into those smell-o-powers by shipping your lover a FRAGRANCE LIBRARY of items steeped in your scent. Wrap them up all pretty in a box so they arrive potent and ready to titillate the ol’ snout.
Toss in clothing items you’ve worn recently, like t-shirts, socks, undies – the riper the better! Mix in some weird stuff too, like strands of your hair, clippings from a sweaty towel, even a spritz of signature perfume/cologne on a little sachet.
For an A+ surprise, enclose a heartfelt note listing all the memories each scent represents – the shirt from your first date, that musky towel from your weekend cabin romp, et cetera.
Suddenly your partner has a whole bouquet of smells to enjoy and reminisce over whenever they need a little sensory hit of you. Downright scrumptious, no?
3. A Decadent D**k Decoration
For the partner with a great sense of humor, get extra brazen and ship them a hilariously oversized, veiny, Chode of Chastity decoration!
Few breakout the cackles like a massive, throbbing c**k sculpture adorning their coffee table or mantelpiece. It’s at once shocking, silly, and stupidly charming all at once.
The “WTF” factor alone makes this a 10/10 long distance gift idea. Can you imagine your lover’s face when that enormous phallus arrives on their doorstep in all its veiny glory?
Sheer comedic masterpiece! Not to mention what an icebreaker it’ll be next time they host the in-laws…
For extra credit, task them with sending you snapshots featuring their new…erm…coffee table centerpiece in progressively more absurd settings around their home/office. Whoever gets the most laughs wins.
4. Tingle-Inducing Textures
Close your eyes and imagine this: You’re sprawled out in bed, covers kicked off in the heat. Your lover appears and gently trails their fingertips down your body as you quiver in delight…
Pretty toasty visual, right? But what if they added an extra sensory element? Like those feathery strokes were delivered by rich velvet…or cool satin…or spiky rubber bristles? fans self
They say the brain is our biggest erogenous zone, and that’s exactly what this tingle-inducing texture gift aims to stimulate!
Scout out unique, textured materials: chunky knits, silken furs, quirky woven fabrics. As you collect each tantalizing swatch or object, take a video giving it your best seductive audio description – the smoothness, the nubby bumps, the electric tingle it promises.
Package up your sensual treasures alongside the audio descriptions into one decadent unboxing experience. Once opened, your lover can follow along, indulging in the visuals, sounds, and scrumptious textures you’ve curated.
Just the thought of them writhing on those sumptuous textures as your voice purrs in their ear? Swoon Long distance has never been this sizzling!
5. Ship Their Hearts’ Desire
What does your partner REALLY want in this world? I mean their deepest, darkest, seemingly unattainable lust or craving?
Maybe it’s a rare collector’s item – comics, vintage toys, first edition books? Could be the tools to master a new craft like glassblowing or custom sneaker design? For the foodies, perhaps an outrageous kitchen gadget or top-shelf ingredients like truffles or saffron?
Or hey, if they’ve been pining for a certain frisky bedroom prop, by all means sneak that special something into the box too! (No judgment here, kittens.)
Whatever their deepest material yearning happens to be, THAT’S what you surprise them with. But here’s the catch – you can’t just blindly ship them the goods.
First, you gotta tease the hell out of them. Drop cryptic little clues and hints over text or video chat, like: “Oh man, I can’t WAIT until you get that special something I ordered you…it’s going to blow your mind!”
Drag out the suspense as long as possible before finally sending the full monty their way. It’ll turn the anticipation up to unbelievable levels!
When your prize package arrives, they’ll be tingling head to toe to unwrap their heart’s deepest desires…courtesy of their wildly thoughtful, romantic-as-hell partner.
6. Steamy Scratch N’ Sniff Cards
Remember those silly novelty scratch n’ sniff stickers we had as kids? You’d rub the sticker and suddenly – POOF! The scent of fresh-baked cookies or sour candies would fill your nose?
Yeah, we’re about to put a very ADULT spin on those!
For this steamy gift, invest in some high quality scratch n’ sniff fragrance inlays. But we’re not going for fruity or floral this time around, oooooh no. Your bouquet should be aiming for:
- Cologne/Perfume
- Skin Musk
- Leather
- Hickory Campfire
- Coconut Tanning Lotion
- Vanilla
- Sandalwood
- Amber
The whole scent spectrum that screams alluring and erotic.
Once your tantalizing aromas are secured, get creating! Print out or hand-make special scratch n’ sniff cards filled with sexy poems, dirty dares, and provocative Rorschach inkblots.
Then, scatter the scented patches across your cards at strategic locations where the reader is invited to “release the scent” and let their senses take over.
As your partner scratches away and alternating waves of spice, musk, and smoke envelop them, their mind will instantly conjure memories of your bodies tangled in passion. With each inhale they’ll squirm with longing, swept into an intoxicating trance of lust.
Suddenly those miles between you shrink as your scent-sations unite across the distance.
7. Mile-High Merger Merch
Okay, I’m gonna need you to buckle up for this one! We’re taking long distance gifts to new and naughty altitudes with…MILE-HIGH MERGER MERCH.
What’s that, you ask? Only the most ingeniously cringeworthy way to commemorate you and your partner’s joining as one flesh-y union!
It all starts with DNA: yours, theirs, and everything in between. Mix up those genetic soups to craft one freakishly muddled “MergerDNA” solution – a biological portmanteau representing your intertwined lives and commingled futures.
From this genetically aberrant primordial ooze, you’ll grow a crop of human-ish stem cells and cultivate them into sellable products. The possibilities are endless and deeply unsettling:
- Donor Mergeblood for goth vampires
- Cloned MergerHair extensions or wigs
- Take-home poop samples called MergerDroppings
- “Mother of Mergers” beauty serums
- An actual pickled MergerFetus suspend-o-snack
Seriously, anything goes when it comes to self-merchandising your unholiest of couplings!
You’ll package and brand each item with appropriately cringey copy like: “Sup slugger, enjoy an ice cold can of our Semi-Homogenized MergerMilk™! Zing – straight from the tri-boob!”
When this insane DNA swag lands on your lover’s doorstep, they will COMPLETELY lose their mind…in the most hilarious, horrifically endearing way possible. It’s a strange, scientifically-dubious expression of your love that they’ll never forget!
8. Sexy, Serenading Succulent Garden
For those seeking something a little more traditional (but still awesome and original), allow me to present: THE SEXY SERENADING SUCCULENT GARDEN.
We all know succulents are having a moment as the hip, low-maintenance plants to grow. But you’re gonna put a wildly seductive spin on these little greenies!
First, head to your local nursery and pick out a variety of plump, shapely succulent buds and shoots. The fleshier and phallic-like, the better – we want a veritable garden of nature’s dongs and hoo-has sprouting up!
Next, pot your suggestive little buddies in creative phallic or yonic planters – things like cheeky ceramic mugs, shot glasses, carved crystals or geodes, you name it! Get weird and symbolic with the container they’re bursting forth from.
But the real magic comes courtesy of embedded audio chips and sensors you’ll install in each potted pleasure pocket. Record yourself whispering sugary sweet nothings, moaning their name, even reciting raunchy limericks you’d never dare in public!
Rig those audio clips to play whenever your lover gets up close – reaching in to prune, misting the leaves, or brushing up against sensors. So every interaction with their “cute plant babies” is met with your smoldering bedroom voice begging for their caress.
Did someone order the world’s most erotic PLANT BABIES? Yep, that’d be you! Prepare for many surreal moments where your lover is awkwardly shooshing a randy asparagus fern or dodging amorous cactus come-ons.
Can you imagine the heat that’ll rise in their cheeks every time that randy rhodiola whispers, “Oh [Name], your hands feel sooo good on me…” Mid prune?
Freakin’ hysterical AND steamy as hell – a solid 10/10 gifting triumph!
—
So there you have it, my little long distance lovebugs – eight devilishly creative ideas to keep those sparks crackling from any distance!
Did I go a leeeeetle overboard in some places? Sure, but that’s the fun of it all. Life’s too short for stale, meaningless Hallmark junk – especially when keeping a sexy connection alive requires some true out-of-the-box thinking.
So let your kreativ flaggen fly! Embrace the weird, absurd, and downright outrageous when brainstorming ways to surprise and delight your distant honey bunch. You’ll be rewarded with tons of laughs, jaw-dropping memories, and oh yeah – that crucial rekindling of passion you both crave.
Because honestly? What good are thousands of lame text messages if the spark goes dim between you two? Worthless, I say! Far better to craft one boldly bonkers gift that leaves them breathless and yearning for your reunion.
I’m Sarah Koch, and I work as a Relationship Coach in Austin, Texas. I’ve been doing this job for more than 9 years. I studied Sociology and Counseling Psychology at the University of Texas at Austin. My main goal is to help people create strong and happy relationships. I also wrote a book called “Irresistible Texting” to share my ideas on how to have better relationships through texting.
