How to Respond When Someone Calls You a “Monkey”: 30+ Witty and Savage Comebacks

Did someone call you a monkey? Before blowing your top, chill out and try one of these snappy retorts. We’ve got funny replies, sassy responses, clever comebacks, and more to put insulting name-callers in their place with a smile.

I decided to write this after a friend was compared to a monkey by her spiteful ex. Though stung, she refused to show it. “Ooh ooh ah ah! Can you even spell monkey?” she retorted coolly before sauntering off. Her savage clapback left him speechless! If you too want punchy yet playful putdowns to silly slurs, read on.

30 Monkey Business Comebacks

When erroneously called a monkey, don’t get mad – get even with these cheeky quips! From pop culture references to banana puns, these funny replies will make the insult fall flat.

“Thanks for the compliment. Monkey see, monkey awesome!”

“Says the person with their head up their butt all the time.”

Ooh ooh! If I’m a monkey, you must be a donkey for calling me that!”

“Wow, racist much?”

“I know you are but what am I?”

“At least I don’t fling my own poo like some people.”

“You mean clever, nimble and too cute?”

“Huh, is this opposite day?”

“Umm…that’s Mr Monkey to you!”

“I prefer the term ‘primate with panache’.”

“If I’m a monkey, you’re the zookeeper for noticing.”

“Do these look like monkey hands capable of peeling a banana?”

“At least monkeys can be trained properly, unlike some people!”

“Sorry, don’t have enough time to fling my poo at losers today!”

“Finally, someone notices my six pack abs – thanks for comparing me to such fit creatures!”

“Ooh ooh, AAAH AAHH! (That means up yours in monkey).”

“I know you’re bananas for me but let’s not go ape.”

“You kiss your mother with that potty mouth?”

“This monkey’s too busy swinging to hear you, hater.”

“I’d insult you back but wouldn’t want to stoop to yourIQ level.”

“Do these monkeys have red butts? Coz that comeback was pretty lame.”

“If I’m the monkey, you’re definitely the zookeeper staring at us all day long.”

“I’m not the one monkeying around making silly comments now, am I?”

“My tail is smarter than you since it actually hangs onto branches, unlike your insults which keep falling flat!”

“I know you’re going ape but calm down and have a banana.”

“Oo oo aa aa! (Translation: I don’t have time for this).”

“Apes together strong, losers together extinct!”

“I’d clap back but wouldn’t want to catch your stupidity.”

“You belong chained up in the zoo, not free to troll around annoying people.”

Oo oo aa aa! Go jump off a tree!

“And you belong in a cage for acting like an uncivilized brute!”

Savage Shut Downs

These biting retorts add some spice to the silly slur. Careful not to burn the name-caller too badly!

  • “This monkey is too busy swinging from the vines to hear you, loser.”
  • “Says the person with no class or tact.”
  • “I’m rubber, you’re glue…”
  • “At least I don’t resemble my rear end like you do.”
  • “Go back to the kids table if you’re going to act childish.”
  • “A monkey? You must need glasses as thick as your skull.”

Cheeky Responses

Looking for flirty fun instead of snark? Bat your eyelashes at the insulter while purring these playful replies.

  • “If I’m a monkey, come join me in the jungle, tiger…”
  • “Prehensile tails aren’t my only attribute, you know.”
  • “I’d make one sexy monkey in lipstick and a cocktail dress!”
  • “Don’t knock it til you try it, babe.”

10 Editor’s Choice Shut Downs

We’ve handpicked the wittiest, sharpest retorts from monkeys themselves! Deliver these smooth replies to utterly own anyone who dares call you by this silly slur.

1. Make Them Feel Stupid

Drop the mic with this blase comeback perfect to expose foolish name-calling.

“You call me a monkey as an insult? How embarrassing for you.”

Use when: You’re feeling dignified amidst childish abuse. The insult says more about them than you.

Don’t use: If they’re trying to genuinely rile you up. Stay above the drama by walking away.

2. Call Out Their Offensive Language

Politely school ignorant folk on what’s acceptable and not using this classy reply.

“Comparing someone to a monkey has racist connotations I’d avoid if I were you.”

Use when: You think they may be genuinely unaware of racist undertones. Educate politely.

Don’t use: If said with obvious malice. They likely know it’s offensive so argue back instead.

3. Question Their Eyesight

Wittily suggest they get their vision checked with this quip.

“Are you sure I’m the one who needs glasses? I don’t resemble a monkey in the slightest.”

Use when: Said by someone who doesn’t know you well. They clearly have the wrong impression.

Don’t use: If it’s a friend or partner. Their vision should be 20/20 when looking at you!

4. Kill Them With Kindness

Channel positivity by taking the high road. Kill callous name-callers with kindness using this cheerful reply.

“Aww thanks for comparing me to such playful and intelligent creatures!”

Use when: You’re in a zen mood. Refuse to let them ruin your day.

Don’t use: If you’re feeling sensitive or upset. The sarcasm may come off spiteful instead.

5. Question Their Maturity

A condescending response perfect for silly childish slurs.

“Monkey? What are you, eight?”

Use when: The insult is laughably juvenile. Point that out to embarrass them.

Don’t use: Against actual kids! Find teachable responses instead to nurture emotional intelligence.

6. Use Humor

Diffuse tension fast by leaning into the silly simian similarity using this funny reaction.

“Ooh ooh, aaah aaah! Don’t make me fling my poo at you!”

Use when: You want to disarm their words playfully without escalating matters.

Don’t use: If tensions are high. Joking around then may worsen situations so stay serious.

7. channel pop culture

Hilariously hit back using this reference to a popular movie franchise.

“Planet of the apes, really? I didn’t realize we were living in a dystopia, Caesar.”

Use when: You share pop culture sensibilities. The quip will land perfectly.

Don’t use: With someone unlikely to get the reference. The comeback will flop embarrassingly!

8. Challenge Them To Do Better

Nudge rude name-callers to dial up their insult game using this drily amused reply.

“That the best monkey joke you got? I’ve heard better ones in kindergarten.”

Use when: You’re bored more than offended by their weak slight.

Don’t use: Against actual small kids! Find gentle ways to correct them instead.

9. Suggest They Need A Makeover

Cleverly invert the monkey meme by using it against them with this sassy response.

“You might want to brush your hair…you’re the one looking like a monkey now!”

Use when: Their tousled locks resemble a simian’s shaggy fur.

Don’t use: If they have nicely groomed hair. Your comeback won’t make much sense then!

10. Take Them To School

Correct ignorance around how amazing monkeys are using this classy clapback.

“Monkeys are highly intelligent creatures who I’m honored to be likened to, actually.”

Use when: You suspect they’re uneducated about primates. Teach them something new Responses politely.

Don’t use: If their insult stems from racist stereotypes. Call that out directly instead!

How To Reply To A Guy

Guys hurling “monkey” as an insult generally aim to question your intelligence or competence. Beat them at their own game with these clever responses!

  • “Smarter than the average primate…and you too, apparently!”
  • “I know you dig planet of the apes but I’ll pass, thanks.”
  • “At least I can get a date, monkey boy.”

How To Reply To A Girl

Girls using “monkey” as a slur normally intend to shame looks and behavior. Show you’re unbothered by their mean girl jibes using these unimpressed replies.

  • “Ooh, woman to woman insults now? How evolved of you.”
  • “And yet this monkey’s hair still looks better than yours.”
  • “I’ll take monkey over catty any day, hun.”

Conclusion

Being called a “monkey” is more silly than insulting once you arm yourself to the teeth with these persassy responses! Save the comebacks that most fit your style so you can whip them out if ever compared to our furry brethren again. A cutting quip beats blowing your top any day.

So fling some serious shade at anyone who dares disparage you as a monkey or ape. From funny puns to clever pop culture references, using wit rather than rage lets you take the high road while making fools regret messing with you. Now you can give rude name-callers a delightful monkey wrench right back without going bananas!

I am a Certified Life Coach (CPC) and mom of two from Austin, TX. I draw on my psychology background and coaching experience to empower others to grow through my writing.

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