Funny Responses To Tell Me A Secret

When someone tells you to tell them a secret, it can be tricky to know how to respond. Do you actually spill an embarrassing secret? Brush it off with a joke? Or maybe get flirty? There’s no one right way, but I’ve put together 30 of the funniest, most clever responses to “Tell me a secret” that are sure to work in any situation.

Whether you want to make them laugh, gently let them know you’d rather not share, or turn up the flirt meter, you’ll find the perfect funny retort here. And if you’re really struggling for a response, the simple phrases should do the trick!

30 Funny Responses to “Tell Me a Secret”

Before jumping into the list, let me tell you how I came up with these. Last weekend, I was chatting with a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile. Naturally, she asked me to dish some dirt and “tell her a secret.” When I couldn’t think of anything witty or clever to say, I wanted to crawl under a rock!

I knew there had to be better ways than stumbling over my words or blurting out something I’d regret. So I asked all my most hilarious and quick-thinking friends, scoured the internet, and even used some of my own best lines from over the years.

Here are the absolute funniest responses for the next time someone asks you to tell them a secret!

Well I’m not supposed to tell anyone, but…looks around suspiciously and whispers I’m Batman.

Leans in close and just breathes heavily without saying anything

If I told you, I’d have to kill you. And I like you too much for that.

Loudly I’m having an affair with your best friend!!! Quietly Just kidding, please don’t kill me.

You mean you don’t already know about my third nipple?

I can’t tell you here…meet me behind the bleachers at midnight. winks

I plead the fifth!

Do you really think I would reveal classified information just because you asked nicely? playful hair flip

I hid $5 million in cash behind the…clutches chest and collapses

Looks left Looks right Can you keep a secret? Well so can I!

And 20 more funny, silly, clever responses:

If I told you, I’d have to tickle you!

I’m not wearing any underwear. Oops, I guess it’s not a secret anymore!

I secretly love overly-eager people who ask me to tell them secrets. wink wink

Loud fart noise with armpit Oops sorry, too much secret sharing!

I’m secretly in love with…hey look a chicken! runs away

I’m Batman. Oops I mean no I’m not, forget I said that!

I really shouldn’t. I’m so bad at keeping secrets that I told my houseplant this morning!

Look around suspiciously even though no one else is near Ok, lean closer…I really like pineapple on my pizza! acts shocked

I hid my ex’s body and…ha! Gotcha! Like I would admit that to YOU! playful hair flip

Well I used to have a tail when I was a baby…oh shoot Pretend you didn’t hear that!

I can speak fluent dolphin. makes dolphin noises See? Pretty cool right?

I’m not who you think I am. My real name is…rips off shirt dramatically to reveal a superhero outfit underneath Captain Banana! flexes muscles heroically

I’m secretly a Nigerian prince avec beaucoup d’argent. Now give me your bank account number!

I once ate a whole pint of ice cream in 10 minutes. Without a spoon! burps loudly

I have a passionate love affair going on with pizza. Sorry but it’s true! kisses fingers Italianly

Loud whisper Sometimes I use my roommate’s toothbrush when I can’t find mine! gasps and covers mouth

I’m the one who clogged the office toilet on Taco Tuesday. But PLEASE don’t tell anyone! I’ll give you twenty bucks!

Well, I’m not actually wearing any pants right now. wiggles eyebrows up and down

I hid a million dollars under the…clutches chest and pretends to die

I can’t keep a secret to save my life! For example, did you know Steve from accounting is having an affair with…covers mouth quickly Oops nevermind!

More Funny Responses and Comebacks

If you need even MORE funny retorts, ridiculous responses and downright silly comebacks, here are 40 more to try out!

Funny One-Liners

When someone asks you to tell them a secret, keep it short and sweet with these funny one line responses:

  • I’m 95% angel, but also 5% devil winks slyly
  • I’m not just the president, I’m also a client!
  • Loud whisper Sometimes I eat dessert first!
  • I’m hopelessly addicted to peanut butter. licks lips Please don’t judge me.
  • Shouts I love romantic comedies! Covers mouth in pretend embarrassment

Savage Responses

If you want to shut down their request in a savage (but funny) way, try these snarky comebacks:

  • Nice try FBI agent, but I value my privacy!
  • Aw sweetie it’s cute you think we’re close enough for me to trust you with my secrets!
  • I’ll tell you a secret when you pay off my student loans, deal?
  • Even my hairdresser doesn’t know my secrets, but sure Jan, I’ll tell YOU. hairflip
  • I don’t just give out government secrets to random strangers! pops chewing gun sassily

Fake Secrets

Have some laughs by “revealing” a silly made-up secret:

  • Whispers I see dead people. Widens eyes creepily JK! Had you for a minute right? Hah!
  • Well I hate to admit this but…I can wiggle my ears on command! demonstrates terribly Impressed?
  • I secretly performed as a Russian ballerina named Anastasia before going into hiding to protect my identity! pirouettes gracefully
  • Hushed voice I’m the sole surviving member of a royal family and currently living incognito amongst commoners! curtsies daintily
  • I have a super power! Wanna see? Stares hard at a cup until face turns red trying to move it with mind Dang it, not today I guess!

Play Dumb

Feign ignorance with these intentionally dense responses:

  • A secret? Hmm nope don’t think I have any of those! looks confused
  • Oooh a secret! Fun! Let’s see…oh wait I forgot. Teehee silly me! shrugs innocently
  • Gasps loudly A secret? Why yes of course I know tons of secrets! Like umm…hmm…uhhh…..trails off looking blank….Nope I got nothing!

Flirty Banter

Turn up the charm factor with some light flirtation:

  • Want me to whisper it in your ear baby? bites lip seductively
  • Oh I’ll tell you a dirty little secret alright. But only when we’re alone! wink
  • All my secrets involve you…naked. Enough said!
  • I’d love to tell you a naughty little secret! But it might make you blush, cutie!
  • Let’s grab dinner first and if you’re lucky, I’ll tell you ALL my secrets afterward…crooked smile

10 Best Editor-Chosen Responses

Out of all the funny, clever and creative responses to “Tell me a secret,” our editors picked these 10 favorites.

1. I’m Batman

When asked to reveal a secret, look both ways dramatically and whisper “I’m Batman.” Short, simple, foolproof, and gives them a good laugh!

When to use:

  • The person asking isn’t someone you know very well, so you want to gently brush it off
  • Trying to lighten the mood or make someone laugh

When NOT to use:

  • If the person asking you is upset and looking for support

2. Do you really think I would reveal classified information just because you asked nicely? playful hairflip

This response calls out the absurdity of them expecting you to actually reveal private info after merely asking. It gently pokes fun while seeming refusing in a witty way.

When to use:

  • When asked by someone you don’t fully trust
  • To politely decline without offending

When NOT to use:

  • If they seem genuinely interested and wanting to connect on a deeper level

3. If I told you I’d have to kill you. And I like you too much for that.

Playing up the “top secret” angle, this funny response assures them you do care, while steering clear of sharing.

When to use:

  • When asked to reveal a secret by a friend/someone you like
  • To lightly make an inside joke about keeping confidences

When NOT to use:

  • If they are truly seeking emotional support and bonding

4. looks around suspiciously even though no one else is near Ok, lean closer…I really like pineapple on my pizza! acts shocked

Pretending your silly preference for pineapple pizza is a huge dramatic revelation shows you don’t take yourself too seriously. It’s harmless fun!

When to use:

  • Trying to get a laugh and lighten the mood
  • When asked to reveal a secret by casual friends/acquaintances

When NOT to use:

  • If they are genuinely looking for emotional intimacy/support

5. I hid $5 million in cash behind the…clutches chest and collapses

This tongue-in-cheek response pokes fun at spy movie tropes of revealing important info before suddenly pretending to die. It’s utterly ridiculous in a funny way.

When to use:

  • Trying to get a laugh from friends
  • Light, casual conversations where being silly is appropriate

When NOT to use:

  • Serious or emotional conversations requiring maturity and wisdom

6. Well I used to have a tail when I was a baby…oh shoot Pretend you didn’t hear that!

Making up an obviously fake secret about yourself being born with a tail shows you aren’t going to open up for real, but does so in a cute, funny way.

When to use:

  • Lighthearted conversations with friends where being quirky and silly is ok
  • To politely signal you’d rather not tell an actual secret without offending

When NOT to use:

  • Deep emotional conversations requiring sincerity and vulnerability

7. I’m secretly a Nigerian prince avec beaucoup d’argent. Now give me your bank account number!

Lampooning absurd email scams is a perfect tongue-in-cheek response. It catches them off guard with random silliness.

When to use:

  • Lightening the mood in casual conversations
  • Being intentionally weird/quirky to get laughs from friends

When NOT to use:

  • More solemn situations necessitating emotional maturity and discretion

8. I once ate a whole pint of ice cream in 10 minutes. Without a spoon! burps loudly

Playing up outrageous food-related “feats” pokes fun at keeping silly secrets about mundane things. It’sharmless and gets laughs.

When to use:

  • Lighthearted conversations where being goofy and irreverent is appropriate
  • Making friends/casual acquaintances laugh

When NOT to use:

  • Emotionally heavy or very serious conversations requiring tact

9. I have a passionate love affair going on with pizza. Sorry but it’s true! kisses fingers Italianly

Comparing your obsession with pizza to a steamy romantic tryst shows you don’t take yourself very seriously. It’s charmingly silly.

When to use:

  • Making small talk in casual social settings
  • Breaking the ice and being approachable with someone new

When NOT to use:

  • Situations requiring emotional depth, sincerity and maturity

10. I can’t keep a secret to save my life! For example, did you know Steve from accounting is having an affair with…covers mouth quickly Oops nevermind!

This response playfully admits you are bad at actually keeping intel confidential. It shows self-awareness and lightheartedly excuses yourself from revealing real info.

When to use:

  • Casual conversations where injecting humor into awkward situations is helpful
  • To politely signal you’d rather not tell a real secret

When NOT to use:

  • Discussing very private and emotional topics with trusted loved ones

How to Respond to Girls vs Guys

Your response may vary slightly depending on if the person asking you to reveal a secret is a girl or guy. Here are tips tailored to each.

Responding to Girls

Girls often use “tell me a secret” as a way to bond more closely. When asked by another girl, consider these responses:

  • Ooh I love swapping secrets with my girlfriends! But err…let’s not do it here, Becky might hear us! sideyes fictional “Becky” and giggles
  • If I tell you, then I’ll have to paint your toenails this weekend during our next sleepover! playful grin
  • Amy and I were just talking about how you…covers mouth Oops nevermind, girls gotta stick together!

The key is to keep things light and giggly. Gently poke fun at typical “girl talk” topics and insider jokes.

Responding to Guys

Guys typically ask you to reveal a secret from a flirty or playful angle more than an emotional bonding one. When asked to tell a secret by a guy, go for responses like:

  • Want me to whisper it in your ear big boy? wink wink
  • Oooh I bet you would just love it if I told you all my dirty little secrets! bites lip dramatically
  • Let’s just say what happens at girls night stays at girls night…but I might tell you over drinks handsome! flirty grin

Flirt back safely without actually divulging private info. Turn the tables and get him wondering exactly what naughty secrets you MAY be hiding!

Conclusion

Being put on the spot and asked to reveal a secret can make anyone’s mind go blank! But now you’ve got 80+ clever, funny responses at the ready for ANY situation.

You can gently brush it off, get flirty, be totally ridiculous, or go for quick one-liners. Just skim back over the different categories and pick what fits the circumstance and person best. Or surprise them with a silly made up “secret” for fun laughs!

With all these great options, you’ll stay cool and collected next time someone asks you to tell them a secret. Whether casual acquaintances just making small talk or your closest confidantes trying to get the “juicy details,” you’ve got the perfect funny retort in your back pocket. Thanks for reading!

I am a Certified Life Coach (CPC) and mom of two from Austin, TX. I draw on my psychology background and coaching experience to empower others to grow through my writing.

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